What I Hope to Teach My Stepford Children

1) Pokemon Trainer is not a real profession.

2) There is no profession I will approve of that includes a pole.

3) Tithing is a gift you give yourself.

4) Sometimes the only way out of something is through it.

5) Life isn’t fair, but you’ve gotten a better start than 99 percent of the world’s population.

6) Money will not make you happy, but it can make your life a whole lot easier (so work hard).

7) If you’re not getting what you want, trying giving someone else what they want.

8) Sarcasm is encouraged.

9) Gratitude is required.

10) Your life will not turn out how you planned.

11) Number ten is a good thing.

12) Be thankful for your tragedies, they teach you more than anything else ever could (Thank you Cameron for teaching me this).

13) God has a sense of humor and expects you to have one too.

14) While honesty is the best policy, knowing when to shut up is just as critical.

15) Be kind to wait staff, they have hard jobs and they have control over the food you are going to put in your mouth.

16) Faith is a choice—choose wisely.

17) Alcohol, a piece of plywood, a flight of stairs and a fire extinguisher should never be used at the same time.

18) Tattoos are permanent, piercing are not.

19) What happens in Mexico does not always stay in Mexico.

20) Vote ... Vote ... Vote ... Vote!