Dear Right Wing Republicans

Dear Right-Wing Republicans,

You have some articles that belong to me and I would like to politely ask you to return them. I’m not exactly sure how it is that you ended up with them, but as long as they are promptly returned, unaltered, unharmed, and in their original condition, I’m willing to not ask any further questions. I don’t want this request to take on an accussory tone, so I’d like to explain to you why these articles are so important to me and why it is in your best interest, as well as that of the Nation, for you to return the articles you’ve taken. I’m sure upon some serious self-reflection; you’ll agree it is of the utmost importance that you immediately and without hesitation release them back to their original owner. The articles in question are as follows:

Article III. “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”
Please stop pretending this applies only to white Evangelical Christians. It also applies to Muslims, Jews, Agnostics, and Atheists, as well as anyone and everyone in between. And while I’m on the subject, I know a particular United Methodist that would also like you to release Jesus. He has some social justice work to do that has been severely neglected since you absconded with him during the Reagan Revolution.

Article IV. “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”
Please stop pretending like this does not apply to private telephone conversations. It does. I understand you’re worried that people may be talking about you, but that does not supercede this Article. If you’ll play nicer, they may talk about you less.

Article X. “Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel, and unusual punishments inflicted.”
Even if you set the last eight years aside, your mere nomination of Sarah Palin constitutes “cruel and unusual punishment.”

Article XIV. “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
I need this Article back along with the my penumbra before you succeed in completely outlawing a women’s right to choose—even in the most heinous and hearbreaking of circumstances.

Very Truly Yours,

The Constitution of the United States of America

P.S. If it is too uncomfortable for you to drop these Articles off to me directly, I understand. Please just leave them with Barack Obama on your way out of Washington.