Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Kristi, the Paralegal

I received an email this morning that has snapped the tenuous hold I had on myself until Election Day. It has been a long eight years. Eight years that have required me to converse calmly and with restraint with most people in my life. I’m smart enough to know that you catch more flies with honey, and receive more respect with intelligence than belligerence, but I am done now.

Do you hear me self-righteous, non-working, Louis-toting, Palin-loving, PTA Stepford Wives? I am done. Do not approach me, speak to me, email me, or otherwise engage me for the next seven days. You do so at your own peril. I’m no longer amused by you. And to my loyal reader who so recently commented “Just another angry Democrat,” I’d suggest you back away from the keyboard as well.

I would post the email I received this morning so that those of you who are intelligent and informed could commiserate with my pain. However, I’m refraining from doing so because, well, I don’t want this abomination going any more viral than it already has with any help from me. My description, which can in no way do this email justice, will have to suffice. The subject line was “Taxes” and the Stepford Wife’s personal introduction read “Don’t think you won’t be paying your ‘fair share’ … He plans to get all of us, one way or another.” Basically, the email was supposed to be a comparison of the McCain and Obama tax plans. That would not have been a problem. However, neither the facts attributed to Obama or McCain were accurate. Totally wrong ... no basis in fact whatsoever. What made it even worse is that I know enough personal information about this Stepford Wife to know she would be better off under Obama’s tax plan. Oh, the sad cruel irony of that.

Stepford Wives, listen up. Here’s what Kristi, the paralegal, is proposing. For those of you who are voting for McCain solely because you believe Obama will raise your taxes, I have a deal for you. Once Obama’s tax plan is in place, if you see any decrease in your taxes, don’t take it. I mean, why should you benefit for something I voted for? I’m the one who went to the polling booth, cast an informed vote, and help elect Obama. Why should you see any benefit from that at all? I mean, wouldn’t that be, oh I don’t know, a “redistribution of the benefit derived from my vote”? We wouldn’t want anything crazy like that going on. We wouldn’t want to spread the “hope” around, would we? Surely there won’t be enough Obama for us all? Surely I’m entitled to keep that all for myself ... no?

Don’t fret. I’ll reengage you after the election and be back to satirizing your frivolity by the end of next week. I’m sure your behavior in response to Election Day will provide much fodder for my keyboard. For now, I need a break.

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