Confused Liberal (Part 1)

I am confused. I’ve been experiencing this quite a bit since President Obama’s election. After eight years of George Bush’s shenanigans, the new (new) world order is wrecking havoc with my far left brain.

Perhaps this part of my brain (which I purposely shut off from 2000–2008 to keep from going insane) just isn’t warmed up and back in the game yet. Perhaps I really did go insane during the Bush years and this is a chronic, rather than an acute malady. Maybe. OR, maybe not. Let’s see if we can figure out what exactly the hell my problem is. Can anyone, anyone, please explain the following to me?

Why do conservatives object to video games like Halo and Grand Theft Auto, but seem to be trying to incite a riot with the mantra “Obama is coming for your guns”?
Help me here. Why are pretend guns not okay, but real ones are? How is it that violent video games are ruining the moral fabric of our youth and increasing teen violence, but red-blooded American Dads teaching their children how to take down a living, breathing, (and soon to be bleeding) twelve point buck is not? Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not attacking hunting. I’m just trying to figure out how shooting pretend people is so much worse than shooting real animals? I’ve been on a few hunting trips and I can honestly say each time I watched the hunter I was with slit the throat of the buck or doe he had just shot, I felt a little sick. I’ve never had the same reaction while blowing the head off the cartoon bad guy in my air conditioned game room. And another thing. Can someone please point me to the piece of proposed legislation that is going to take all the conservatives’ guns? I can’t find it. I know it must exist, because otherwise the fair and balanced news network would never report that the President is preparing to round up law abiding citizens’ guns. Seriously, you would think a former constitutional law professor would know better ... sheeesh!

How is it that conservatives get all lathered up about teenage pregnancy if it involves the unwed Jamie Lynn Spears, but not the unwed Bristol Palin?
C’mon. Surely there is a simple explanation that I am missing. It’s just that I can’t really find a difference here. Please point it out. Here is what my jaded, liberal eyes see. Two teenagers, both beautiful girls, both pregnant and keeping their babies. And neither have any apparent plans to wed. Here is what I need to know: 1) Why did Jamie’s mother allow her to turn into to such bad, amoral slut? and 2) What is it in the same set of surface circumstances that made Bristol into such a responsible, life-valuing, virtuous young woman? Really, really, I need to know this. If either of the Obama girls show up on the stage of the 2012 Democratic National Convention pregnant, us Democrats are going to want her put in the Bristol category. Any conservative secrets for how to achieve this will be much appreciated.

Why are conservatives so down on the Theocracy that is Iran, but flip out the second President Obama accurately points out that the United States is not a Christian nation?
Did I miss something? While I was asleep for the first eight years of the new millennium, did we become a Christian theocracy? Is Joel Olsteen our new mullah? Is this the explanation for our nation’s collective money orgy? Is this why I’m not wildly wealthy? Because I was unable to embrace the prosperity gospel while I was in my self-induced coma? Has anyone notified all the Jews and Muslims, not to mention the agnostics and atheists?

Why was it okay for Bush to hold hands with the Saudi King, but not for President Obama to offer a humble bow as a sign of respect?
And why do we care? Seriously, this five second piece of film has been aired and analyzed on a pretend news network more times than the entire world has viewed the Zapruder film. And as long we’re the subject of interactions with world leaders, please go ahead and fill me in on why the First Lady’s touch of the Queen of England was so shocking? Was it because the Queen touched her also? Are conservatives afraid of some kind of lesbian U.S./British conspiracy? Does the Queen have cooties? Do tell. I’m all ears.